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PRIESTS NEED SEX, TOO

 

As an active Boston-based Catholic priest, we feel compelled to call

for otherwise tolerant churchgoers to allow ordained prelates such as

ourselves the right to a little carnal release now and again.

 

If our time in the confessional booth is a barometer, most

parishioners have sex on the Saturday evening before they piously show

up in the church pews the following Sunday morning.  Are not those of

the cloth entitled to similar enjoyment?  Since many of us priests are

not widely experienced in matters of the flesh, it is more natural

that we select youngsters and pre-teens that are on the same awkward

sexual footing as ourselves.  Call it a mutual learning experience.

 

Plus, it really isn't fair to say that humans who are not yet of

biological maturity to reproduce are technically having sex. This

means that charges of priestly pedophilia are impossible according to

the laws of nature. If we as priests have sex with a six-year-old girl

(and we are speaking hypothetically, Mr. FBI Agent!), it is not sexual

in nature because the child is not orgasmically aware at that nubile

age.  The budding of young pre-adolescent female breasts was a sign in

the time of the Pharaoh that it is time to "break in" a girl. That is

all we are doing.

 

The laity is comprised largely of naïve and intolerant simpletons when

it comes to passing judgment on ministerial copulation.  Just because

you listen to our sermons and drop a dollar or two in the offering

plate does not mean you have a right to say whether or not we can give

an alter boy his first unsolicited erection.

 

Granted that in our 25 years as a priest, we have not yet made it

entirely through the old and new testaments. But we have skimmed

enough of this difficult and long-winded book to know that there is

more sex on five pages of Kings I than in a year's worth of the "Jerry

Springer Show."

 

The bible clearly shows that the laying on of hands can be liberally

interpreted to include "fondling," "clitoral manipulation"--even

"penetration."  As strange as it may sound, biblical scholars such as

us understand that the bible actually sanctions introducing tots to

the love expressed in the psalms through expression that is both

sexual and masturbatory.

 

In closing, please do not deny priests such as us a bit of joy. Do you

think it is easy to avoid feelings of sexual lust while marrying all

those virginal brides?  While doing duty in the confessional, could

you resist becoming erotically aroused after hearing story after story

of unsavory extramarital sex?

 

When you hell-bound sinners stop pursing your own illicit

orgasms--that's when we'll stop fondling your altar boy sons.