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INTRODUCTION
Surely nothing compares to the thrill of issuing a Fatwa.
Whether you're redressing the heresies of an overly-long
Indian novelist, or a slightly snide comment about Mohammed's
dating habits in a Nigerian newspaper, there is something
surprisingly satisfying in sentencing an infidel to a
medieval-themed death. That's why it's always good to read the
papers everyday. You'll be surprised how many perceived
slights to the Prophet you can find!
Nonetheless, the ardent believer must still guard against
"Fatwa Fever." The following guidelines should help you from
making any all-too-common Mufti mistakes:
SAY IT RIGHT
Whether you're screaming for blood in front a large mob of
"Arabs on the Street" or pronouncing death to the apostate
with a cold sneer worthy of Alan Rickman, there can be no
doubt that "Fatwa" is a fun word to say. But there are limits!
Despite the obvious lure of saying "Fatwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,"
menacing laughter is always frowned upon.
BE WELL-READ
Many Muftis are rightfully accused of merely being able to
parrot the Holy Koran verbatim. But Islam has a great
tradition of fostering the arts and sciences. The Library at
Alexandria is testament to the proof of the Moslem love of
learning. Broaden your horizons by joining a "Fatwa of the
Month" club. What better way to spend an evening than by
meeting with the Brothers, discussing provocative new books
over appetizers, then sentencing their authors to death?
USE RESTRAINT
Nearly all religious scholars agree that, rather than
ordering the wholesale slaughter of all writers everywhere,
the best Fatwas are narrowly tailored to punish only the
offending pen. Thus, should Triumph the Insult Comic perform a
skit in which he says that "Mohammed is a great prophet... for
me to poop on," the wise Mullah acts with restraint. While it
would indeed be tempting to order everyone on Robert Smigel's
"TV Funhouse" stoned to death as a result of such unspeakable
blasphemy, the carefully- crafted Fatwa merely makes it the
duty of all Muslims everywhere to destroy only the blaspheming
dog-headed hand puppet. It is this sense of moderation and
justice that endears Islam to the rest of the world.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Imagine that you are at a busy French restaurant and the
waiter makes a mockery of your Mullah-hood by serving you
slowly. Be careful to declare a Fatwa against the offending
party only after you've finished your meal, lest the infidel
cur "accidentally" drip bacon grease into your cup custard.
Remember, the treachery of the nonbeliever knows no bounds!
ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS WITH A QUESTION
Any doubt as to whether a Fatwa is warranted? Ask yourself
one simple question, WWMD - What would Mohammed do? If the
answer is "crush their skulls under the grinding wheel," then
a Fatwa is indeed appropriate.
TAKE THE TEST!!!
Think you're ready to strike out on your own? Take The
True/False Fatwa test and see if you're right!
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THE FATWA
FINAL EXAM
The following hypothetical situations require the decree
of death: (T/F)
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1. |
Hal Linden takes a starring role in "Mohammed: the
musical"
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T |
F |
| 2. |
Danny Weir sends a letter to the Grand Sistani pretending
to be a faithful follower of Islam |
T |
F |
| 3. |
A liberal Islamic professor suggests that you should not
follow the orders of high-level clerics without thinking |
T |
F |
| 4. |
A liberal Islamic professor suggests that you question the
orders of high-level clerics |
T |
F |
| 5. |
The defacing of Ben Laden's picture |
T |
F |
| 6. |
A brother forgets to say "Allah preserve you" after
blasting ass gas. |
T |
F |
| 7. |
NBC's diabolical programming director decides to schedule
a Holocaust program showing heathen Jews as victims. |
T |
F |
RESULTS
If you answered "True" to all the questions, then your zeal
is much to be admired. Nonetheless you must remember that, in
fact, Muslim religious authorities are divided as to whether
all music is forbidden by Shariah law. While all agree that
music designed to elicit erotic feelings is strictly haraam,
even Shaytan himself could not be roused to lust by the horror
of listening to Jeff Foxworthy mangle Christmas tunes. Indeed,
such caterwauling may help convert pagans to the true path of
Islam.
If you answered "True" to all but #5, then you have shown
admirable understanding and wisdom... so why are you wasting
your time taking tests? It's time to start proclaiming! Death
to the infidel! Death to the Kaffir! Fatwa!!!!
If you answered "True" to 5 or less, then you are weak,
whimpering, Zionist who lies down with dogs. Get a spine,
brother, or there will be no 72 virgins waiting for you! Or
perhaps you'd rather have men anyway, you Jew-loving son of an
ape!
Next Week: The Modern Muslim's Guide to Waging Jihad!
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