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Mormons - You get your own planet when you
die. The more wives you have on earth, the more
planets you get. Elite members get their own pair of
magic underwear.
Scientologists - A cheap science fiction
story by mediocre writer, L. Ron Hubbard, about a
space opera that happened 75 million years ago.
Anyone who reads the story without paying the Board
of Directors enough money will get pneumonia and
die.
Jehovah's Witnesses - A social group of fat
old colored women who shop at K-mart and knock on
doors, begging for food. They don't celebrate
holidays or birthdays. They believe that hospitals
are evil and that Jesus was really the angel Michael
and He died on a stake instead of a cross. Their
core belief is that since 1884, God works behind a
small desk in an office in Brooklyn, New York.
Quakers
- Modern day peasants who live on a strict diet of
oats and practice idolatry by praying to an image of
their god imprinted on oversized cardboard canisters
of oatmeal.
Seventh Day Adventists - Snooty pick and
choose bible literalists who believe Saturday is the
Sabbath since it is the literal last day of the
week, but they ignore verses about God's command to
stone their disobedient children.
Catholics - Pope loving, bead counting,
ring kissing, altar boy buggering, genuflecting,
Mary worshipping, candle lighting, superstitious
folks who get marital advice from men who wear
skirts.
Muslims - Ravenous, blood thirsty, Moon
worshipping descendents of the damned and hellbound
son of Abraham (Ishmael). Gene Rodenberry modeled
his
popular Klingon race on the television series
"Star Trek" after these real life barbarians.
Hindus - Brown skinned, cow worshipping,
rice eating people from far away lands.
Wiccans - Pale faced, overweight, body
piercing, tree worshipping Satanists who get their
kicks at renaissance festivals, playing Dungeons and
Dragons and vandalizing Baptist churches.
Yogis - Sex addicted skinny granola
crunchers who believe that if you can tie your body
into a knot you will reach enlightenment through
extended orgasms.
Vegans - Modern day witches who are seduced
by evil spirits into mocking God by ignoring His
order for us to eat meat (1 Timothy 4:1-3).
Amwayism - Individual distributors under the
control of unseen dark forces to do nothing but sell
Tupperware products.
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